What kind of energy is fueling you?

Sometimes when I reflect on the first decade of my legal career, I lament the energy I used to have. 

The amount of things I could get done. And the speed at which I could do them. The time that came with only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. The constant busyness. The desire to do more, more, more. 

I always have to interrupt those thoughts. And remind myself that it often wasn’t good energy. 

Sometimes my energy came from really loving what I was working on and who I was working with or what I was doing.

But so much of the time my fuel largely came from anxiety, fear, and shame.  

Anxiety, fear, and shame about:

Missing a deadline.

Disappointing someone.

Not making my hours. 

Forking something up. 

Getting fired. 

Not moving quickly enough or doing the right things to make partner. 

Being late to a call or meeting. 

Typos.

The excessive amount of work on my plate.

The lack of work on my plate. 

Whether other people liked me. 

Whether I could hack it. 

Missing a legal argument. 

Bad facts.

The outcome of a motion or case. 

Looking stupid. 

Expectations I thought other people had of me.

Making mistakes.

And a myriad of other things. 

When I started letting go of that anxiety, fear, and shame (a perpetual work in progress), I had to find new ways to create energy - and to decide it was okay that I don’t have as much of it as often as I used to. Because for me, life on the other side of being motivated by those things is a far better life to live. 

What’s fueling you? Do you like it?